Getting Married During Elul/Aseres Yemei Teshuvah

Short Answer: It is permitted (and some say encouraged) to get married in Elul, contrary to a supposed minhag not to get married during this time. However, some suggest that bnei yeshivos not attend weddings during Elul, as it will detract from their Elul preparations. While some are machmir not to get married during Aseres Yemei Teshuvah, many permit weddings during this time.

Explanation:

The Mateh Ephraim (602:5) writes that the minhag is not to get married during the aseres yemei teshuvah (“AYT”). However, the Mateh Ephraim does not provide the reason for this minhag. This minhag is cited in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (130:4).

The Chochmas Shlomo (R’ Shlomo Kluger, O”C ibid) comments that there are two possible reasons. First, since the sons of a chosson and kallah are forgiven on their wedding day, it would be an affront to Hashem — who forgives all our sins on Yom Kippur — for them to get married right before Hashem forgives all their sins on Yom Kippur. It is akin to jumping the gun, like taking off t’filin too early. Second, since the moon is considered “hidden” (keseh) from Rosh Hashanah until Yom Kippur, the AYT are comparable to the end of a month when one should not get married because the moon is hidden. Even though we physically can see the moon during the AYT, it is “hidden” in heaven.

The sefer Ketzeh HaMateh (R’ Chaim Zvi Ehrenreich, zt”l, d.1936) on the Mateh Ephraim (ibid) suggests a different reason. Since AYT are days of extra chumros where we try and ward off the satan, it is risky to have excessive happiness and drinking at a wedding which could lead to aveirah. Accordingly, he suggests that there is no problem to have a wedding for a second marriage during AYT, as there is less inappropriate simcha at such a wedding.

The Sedei Chemed (Chasan V’Kallah, 23) discusses the ruling of the Mateh Ephraim. He adds that people in his own city hold that this marriage ban is extended the entire month of Elul. The Sedei Chemed vehemently disagrees. First, he himself got married in Elul in front of the great R’ Yitzchak Farchi and all the great leaders of the generation. Second, the Lev Chaim does not list Elul in his list of days that one should not get married. As an aside, he doesn’t list the AYT either! Third, he has never found this minhag in any sefer. Fourth, the mishnah in Yoma expressly permits a kallah to wear certain makeup on Yom Kippur if she is within thirty days of getting married, implying that it is permitted to get married in (at least) Elul, and possibly even during AYT.

The Sedei Chemed then cites other acharonim who permitted weddings during Elul, at least up until selichos, which are days of crying/davening. Thus, he suggests perhaps sefardim — including his own town — held that there should be a marriage ban during the entire Elul, as selichos are recited for them the entire Elul (see Article #1). Nevertheless, he debunks this theory based on two points: (i) the Mateh Ephraim cites this halachah in the laws of AYT, not by the days of selichos before Rosh Hashanah, implying that this ban has nothing to do with selichos; and (ii) he found in the city records that many people have previously gotten married in Elul, implying that no such ban minhag exists.

R’ Yitzchak Yosef, shlita (Yalkut Yosef, R”H, p.87) writes that there is no problem whatsoever to get married in Elul. Any other ruling is troubling. With respect to AYT, it is more complicated. Even though the Mateh Ephraim ruled that one should not get married during AYT, the minhag is not that way. We try to encourage marriage as soon as possible based on the multiple Gemaros discussing how marriage prevents sin. Notably, R’ Hildesheimer suggested that perhaps the Mateh Ephraim only forbade marriage on Tzom Gedalya, but R’ Yosef says that the Mateh Ephraim is clear that marriage is banned for all days of AYT. Nevertheless, R’ Yosef concludes that “yeshiva guys” should try and schedule their wedding before Elul so as to avoid messing up “sidrei yeshiva” during Elul.

Many poskim agree, and hold that it is permitted to get married during Elul. See Aruch Hashulchan (E”H 64:13); Journal Meor Yaakov (Vol. 25, Elul, p.5), citing R’ S.Z. Auerbach; Mikadesh Yisroel (R”H 13). Indeed, the Journal Maor Yaakov (ibid) cites R’ Y.S. Elyashuv, zt”l who would advise talmidim to get married as soon as possible, even in Elul, as it would be a zechus for them. This fits with a similar saying (see Darkei Teshuvah, Y”D 179:18) that the Bnei Yissaschar would permit all Elul weddings, as Elul is a “sha’ah mutzlachas.”

However, practically, there are many yeshivos which forbid marriages during Elul. See Mishnas Yehoshua (Erusin, p.39). However, this is not based on any halacha, but rather so that the schedule in Yeshiva for Elul is not broken. Indeed, the Kol Hatorah Journal (Vol. 57, 5765, p.185) notes that in 1979, R’ Shach, after observing a laxity in sidrei hayeshiva during Elul due to weddings, held that bochurm cannot attend any weddings in Elul. It also cites a saying by R’ Chaim Ozer Grozendski that really it is a good thing to get zechusim by getting married at the end of Elul, but the baalei mussar explain that if someone has the proper mindset, they will be unable to get married even at the beginning of Elul. Finally, on a practical level, it cites a biography on the Chazon Ish which noted that he allowed someone to marry even on the AYT.

The Nitei Gavriel (R”H 5:9, n.15) cites the minhag of Belz, Chernobyl and Vishnitz not to get married during the month of Elul. The Journal Nidbarah Na (5774, Gilyon 182-233, p.251) also cites a story with R’ Wolf M’Zitamer who turned back from traveling to attend his sister’s wedding in Elul after hearing a pheasant remark that if you don’t “gather the food now,” you will have nothing to eat the whole year. R’ Wolf applied this to Elul – if not now, when?

The sefer Palgei Mayim (Mahadurah 3, Vol. 1, p.243) cites the Divrei Chaim of Sanz, who learned by the Rebbe of Ropshitz as a young man. The Divrei Chaim recounted that he and his friends danced with tremendous simcha at weddings in Elul. The Palgei Mayim explains the reason. The purpose of a wedding is similar to the purpose of Elul — both are to impress upon the individual the importance of doing the right thing. Elul gives us this proper focus, as does a wedding, which highlights the need to have children because we do not live forever (and thus must make the most of our time in this world).

A slightly different explanation of the Divrei Chaim is cited in Shivchu Hadorim (Maamar 35). Weddings in Elul are a good idea, as having children is a big zechus. A person alone cannot overcome the yom hadin. Rather, he takes the zechusim of his (future) progeny and benefits by having a good outcome in din.