Kashrus Application for Lemonade Stand

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by R. Gil Student (in the Purim spirit)

Dear Saraleh,

Thank you for applying for kosher certification from the Kashrus Inspection Labs Lamehadrin for your lemonade stand. Pursuant to our protocols, we have a number of standard questions we must ask to determine whether you qualify for our certification. Please answer truthfully and completely. We will not bother verifying your answers.

  1. In your application, you list your primary supplier as Mommy. We do not have any record of a Mommy corporation and therefore advise you to break all ties with this untrustworthy entity. As it happens, I have a cousin who can supply you what you need for a very fair price, believe me.
     
  2. You claim to be a Beis Yaakov student yet you have time to open a lemonade stand. Why aren’t you busy with homework until the late hours of the night?
     
  3. Does your lemonade stand’s name have the word heimishe in it? If so, it does not need kosher certification because everyone will assume it is kosher.
     
  4. Are your lemons milchig or fleishig?
     
  5. Do your lemons carry in the local eruv?
     
  6. Do the lemons recite Hallel on Yom Ha-Atzma’ut?
     
  7. What color tablecloth is on your lemonade stand?
     
  8. Do you charge more than a prutah for a glass of lemonade? How much is a prutah?
     
  9. Is your water filtered?
     
  10. Is your Internet filtered?
     
  11. Do you have separate hours for men and women?
     
  12. Are the lemons chassidishe shechitah?
     
  13. Is there any mixed dancing at the lemonade stand?
     
  14. Do you wear a sheitel while preparing the lemonade?
     
  15. Do you serve non-Gebroks lemonade?
     
  16. When you stir sugar in the lemonade, does the stirring cause the sweetness and the sugar act as a precondition or does the sugar cause the sweetness?

 

 

 
After careful consideration, we have determined that running a lemonade stand will be bad for your shidduch prospects. Regretfully, we must reject this application for your sake and the sake of your sisters. Please reapply once you are married and supporting a kollel yungerman.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Iveir Shoiteh
Kashrus Inspection Labs Lamehadrin

About Gil Student

Rabbi Gil Student is the Publisher and Editor-in-Chief of TorahMusings.com, a leading website on Orthodox Jewish scholarly subjects, and the Book Editor of the Orthodox Union’s Jewish Action magazine. He writes a popular column on issues of Jewish law and thought featured in newspapers and magazines, including The Jewish Link of New Jersey, The Jewish Echo and The Vues. In the past, he has served as the President of the small Jewish publisher Yashar Books and as the Managing Editor of OU Press. Rabbi Student recently served on the Executive Committee of the Rabbinical Council of America and currently serves as Director of the Halacha Commission of the Rabbinical Alliance of America. He also serves on the Editorial Board of Jewish Action magazine and the Board of OU Press. He has published five English books, the most recent titled Search Engine volume 2: Finding Meaning in Jewish Texts -- Jewish Leadership, and served as the American editor for Morasha Kehillat Yaakov: Essays in Honour of Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks.

One comment

  1. I am concerned that this application does not inquire whether all employees of this lemonade stand are paid minimum wage.

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