by R. Gil Student (in the Purim spirit)
Thank you for applying for kosher certification from the Kashrus Inspection Labs Lamehadrin for your lemonade stand. Pursuant to our protocols, we have a number of standard questions we must ask to determine whether you qualify for our certification. Please answer truthfully and completely. We will not bother verifying your answers.
- In your application, you list your primary supplier as Mommy. We do not have any record of a Mommy corporation and therefore advise you to break all ties with this untrustworthy entity. As it happens, I have a cousin who can supply you what you need for a very fair price, believe me.
- You claim to be a Beis Yaakov student yet you have time to open a lemonade stand. Why aren’t you busy with homework until the late hours of the night?
- Does your lemonade stand’s name have the word heimishe in it? If so, it does not need kosher certification because everyone will assume it is kosher.
- Are your lemons milchig or fleishig?
- Do your lemons carry in the local eruv?
- Do the lemons recite Hallel on Yom Ha-Atzma’ut?
- What color tablecloth is on your lemonade stand?
- Do you charge more than a prutah for a glass of lemonade? How much is a prutah?
- Is your water filtered?
- Is your Internet filtered?
- Do you have separate hours for men and women?
- Are the lemons chassidishe shechitah?
- Is there any mixed dancing at the lemonade stand?
- Do you wear a sheitel while preparing the lemonade?
- Do you serve non-Gebroks lemonade?
- When you stir sugar in the lemonade, does the stirring cause the sweetness and the sugar act as a precondition or does the sugar cause the sweetness?
After careful consideration, we have determined that running a lemonade stand will be bad for your shidduch prospects. Regretfully, we must reject this application for your sake and the sake of your sisters. Please reapply once you are married and supporting a kollel yungerman.
Rabbi Iveir Shoiteh
Kashrus Inspection Labs Lamehadrin